My Dance With Kali + Signs Your Having a Spiritual Awakening and Not a Nervous Breakdown.
“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
I used to do this thing, in the mornings where I basically do nothing. I get up, pour my coffee and read something sort of news related or maybe just look at some recipes on Pinterest. Previous to this day, if someone had told me “they had a spiritual awakening” I would literally not have any idea what they were talking about. I had no idea what a Spiritual Awaking is or what it entailed. Usually people envision these breakthrough moments where “they saw God” or “they felt angels” but as I learned this day, it can come about in the most mundane of ways or the most magical. I had no idea that this experience (I now know we have many in our lives, but the first one is a doozy) would dramatically shift my perspective as well as shatter everything that I deemed important. I didn’t realize that after you have a spiritual awakening, you can never go back.
I’m drinking my coffee, and I’m reminded of this movie I had recently watched when one character says “You come in this world alone, you die alone.” And for whatever reason that morning it kept repeating in my head. Over and over. On repeat. Background noise. As I was reading something else. Finally, I began actually listening to the words and second by second my anxiety started to rise. I started to fidget and try to keep focusing on my article. My heart rate increased, actually, it skyrocketed, and before I really even registered what was happening, I was in a full blown panic attack.
Immediately, I started picturing myself and everyone I love disappearing into other dimensions. Like, floating away into the ether. Into a galaxy of nothing. I pictured myself in the distance watching them, not knowing where they were going or how I could find them. Panic ensued. I felt an incredible weight on my chest and no longer felt like I was in control of anything. I shrunk. I felt numb. My skin started to feel hot and itchy. I felt scared. I felt everything. Anger, frustration, fear, compassion, regret, grief, love. I immediately started crying although I don’t even remember feeling like I was about to cry. I’ll never forget the confused look on my sweet dogs’ faces when they literally saw me break down in front of them.
So. I came out alive. However, after this I began to experience “all the feels.” I realized so many things I thought were important really didn’t matter. I reluctantly accepted that so many things that us humans were supposed to care about was really an illusion and I felt betrayed. The things people seemed to want me to care now just seemed like filler garbage and everything now felt impermanent.
I was pretty pissed actually. Why was this my responsibility? It really felt like a burden too heavy for me to carry. It was like I just received the worst news, but I couldn’t tell anybody about it or help in any way.
Throughout our lifetime, we develop layers of comfort to shield us from the uncomfortable thoughts. The scary thoughts. The thoughts that keep us up at night or drive us to find some outlet to numb them out. We find and justify excuses in order to not deal with them. But this morning, every layer of protection had dissolved and I felt helpless. That particular morning the weight of my whole world was laying heavily on me. Never before had I felt like I could cry and collapse and roar and burn all at the same time.
Looking back on this time I know Divine was sick of sending me subtle signs trying to guide me in the right direction of my true purpose (I am hardheaded, it’s true.) Restless, instead resorting to sending Kali to strip away everything I found comfort and “happiness” in at the time. Looking back on that morning I could feel her breathing down my neck, questioning my beliefs and perspective. Her sword slashing my current existence. Burning. Taking. Her wild eyes were gleaming at me, unapologetic and proud.
After this day, I was a ghost of myself. I went through the motions and stayed in my routine. But I was constantly questioning everything. Questioning others’ beliefs and how and why things are the way they are. And are we all ok with this? I couldn’t talk to anybody about this because just saying the words out loud made me too emotional. I didn’t know what to do for some time, so I did nothing hoping it would pass.
I made an appointment with a counselor. We did our intros and we talked about background. All seemed to check out fine. She finally asked me what I wanted to work on. Needing answers I asked her “what happens when we die? Like, do we just float away? Like, what actually happens here” She looked a bit stunned, confused. She nodded for an uncomfortable amount of time after the question. She repeated my question in a cute voice (is that how I sounded to her?) and as I patiently awaited her answer she realized I was serious. Awkwardly, we just moved on. Neither of us really knew how to navigate out of that. I didn’t see her again.
After time, I accepted these feelings weren’t going away so I did the only thing I could think of to try to alleviate the discomfort and I immersed myself into research. I needed answers to these abstract and mystical thoughts.
It’s comical now. Like Divine sent me a memo that simply says “Well duh.”
I have always been spiritual. I’ve always felt connected to nature and animals and have always had a deep appreciation for the ocean and the mountains. I felt I was “home” when I was in their presence. I loved the moon and the stars, how the tides worked their own magic in a perfect peaceful rhythm. As a kid, I preferred being quiet outside, I felt peace when my bare feet touched the grass. I began reading spiritual and psychological books in high school. My yoga practice started at 17. I started doing moon rituals in my 20’s. I burned sage regularly because the room “felt lighter.” All of this stuff wasn’t to be “spiritual.” It wasn’t to “be” anything, it just was what felt right to me. Looking back, I see that I just didn’t have enough experience to fully understand what it all meant.
I found so much peace in doing research. I found out that I wasn’t alone. The mystical knowledge I already knew NOW all made perfect sense. This experience taught me to come into myself fully. It now made sense why everything else made me restless. Nothing ever seemed to “fit” for me. I knew it was time for me to quit wasting my time and knowledge and find a positive outlet.
Setting out on new this path I compiled loads of research, journaled, learned how to actually meditate, and finally finished a certification program in Wellness Coaching. I learned how to build alters, protect myself from dark energies and got certified as a second degree Reiki practitioner. These things gave me comfort, but also helped me hone my gifts and direct that energy into helping.
Not a day goes by that I don’t feel grateful for the opportunity to do just that.
I no longer feel unease. I don’t feel restless or crazy. This experience taught me what deep feelings are. What it feels like to feel things in your bones. What really matters. I can now see through eyes of love even when things are annoying (like traffic, and YouTube comments.) I found a new love for my body and began to view it as a beautiful vessel, regardless of what it’s draped in or what shape it takes. I began educating myself on proper nourishment and what it means to take care of yourself as real life adult. This experience changed everything in my life.
I found myself on the other side of this madness and knowing now where it lead me, I would do it again.
Chances are, if you’re still reading this post, you’ve either been through an awakening of sorts or you are currently going through one. Others that haven’t, probably wouldn’t make it this far, and that’s ok. The purpose of this post, is to help others in the midst, because I know how dark and confusing it can be. It totes sucks.
It took me a long time to find relevant information to give me peace, and I tried to do it all alone. It is my hope to help others feel not so alone even if they don’t feel like talking about it yet. If I could change one thing about this experience I would have reached out sooner. I had never felt so misunderstood.
This awakening was difficult, it was fire, it was breaking free, it was a stripping down, but what it gave me was so much more peace and hope and light then I had ever felt before!
Tips your having a spiritual awakening and not a nervous breakdown;
- You start questioning the validity of your authorities. Your boss, parents, government ect.
- You question the validity of your own beliefs.
- Actually you start questioning everything.
- You begin to wonder if “this is all there is?”
- Earth shit. Parking tickets, what your neighbors just bought, social media. Those things no longer seem important.
- You begin to get extremely sensitive. Like, when someone gets eliminated on Project Runway and you come undone.
- You find yourself wanting to reconnect to the things that gave you joy as a child.
- You feel heavy but light at the same time.
- You begin to feel like “time is running out.”
- You start to get a little antsy for no reason. like you should be “doing something” but you don’t know what.
- You start to notice synchronicity; like when you look at the clock every day at 11:11 or 12:34.
- You start to wonder if you are actually in control of your life or if there is a divine force and you are actually on a path towards something greater.
If you’re going through something like this, I hope you know the feelings of discomfort are temporary, your actually not crazy, and what follows is magic. Knowledge is power, and the more you know, the more you will truly understand how an awakening big or small will shift your paradigm and lead you into the life you were meant to live.